How you think, act, and connect in a relationship is determined by your attachment style. These patterns manifest in both behavior and cognitive processes. The way you love and deal with disagreements is determined by your attachment style.

One of the four attachment styles is anxious attachment. The remaining three are disorganized, avoidant, and secure. Anxious attachment is, as the name implies, characterized by excessive anxiety stemming from the worry of being left, rejected, or abandoned. Consequently, there is a greater need to read between the lines and overanalyze every detail. They look for ongoing reassurance from their partners. The desire for validation can manifest itself in a variety of ways, from constantly asking odd hypothetical questions like "Do you still love me if I were a worm?" to responding negatively during arguments.

A person with an anxious attachment style may occasionally seem overly needy or emotional. Their worry can be triggered by a change in tone or a delayed response, causing them to overthink and become overwhelmed.

On May 27, Atlanta-based relationship expert Erica, who often offers advice on fostering emotional intimacy in relationships, discussed the causes of this anxious attachment pattern and how to recover from this cycle of uncertainty and emotional anguish. 

Causes of an anxious attachment style

You can find yourself doubting your partner's love or desire to be with you even when there is no reason to doubt your partner," Erica said. You are sensing a threat at your heart. The underlying worry or concern is that one may be abandoned. Past instances of being emotionally and/or physically abandoned by the individuals who were supposed to care for you cause abandonment wounds. The first step in assisting yourself to de-escalate, calm your inner child, and mend your abandonment wounds is understanding that your worry/anxiety has no basis in reality or evidence.

This attachment style is fueled by past instances of rejection or abandonment, perhaps during one's formative years, as the relationship counselor explained. Because of this, the harsh experience of the past serves as a blueprint for how you will act in future relationships, constantly anticipating suffering.

For both you and your spouse, healing is essential. Feeling restless might be tiring, as worry can deplete your capacity to live in the moment and have faith in your relationship. Your partner may also get to a point when they are tired of your need for reassurance. For both of you, the relationship may seem like walking on eggshells, a harmful cycle of mistrust, and a tiring push and pull. This is why healing is so crucial.

These three methods might help you break free from this anxious attachment style, as Erica shared:

• Identify and name your anxiety or concern as soon as you experience it. Recognize and connect with your emotions.
• Consider the questions, "What meaning am I attributing to this circumstance that is causing me to feel this way?" and "How do I know that this belief is true?"
• Choose to deal with your emotions by yourself by self-soothing and/or telling your partner about your experience so that they can give you clarity and reassurance as well.

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