Childfree and loving it: What life is like with no kids
10 days ago | 20 Views
Save your pity. There are no sad stories here. A growing number of Indians – married, attached and single – are choosing to not have children. They’re not childless; they identify as child-free. They’ll tell you why: Kids aren’t an essential component of a happy life; not producing offspring puts an end to generational trauma and genetically transferred medical conditions; it allows for greater individual freedoms. Besides, it’s better on the environment and on the pocket.
But child-free folks shouldn’t have to tell anyone anything. It’s as much of a personal choice as choosing to have kids. And yet, most of them go through life having to justify their decision to friends, family and the upstairs neighbour, and to prove, somehow, that they’re not low-key psychopaths. “The only problem with not wanting kids is having to tell people about it over and over,” says Shannon Fernandes, 30, single and founder of travel company Vagabond Experiences. “It’s better than having kids I didn’t want in the first place, but in 2024, it’s still a problem.”
Brunch spoke to Fernandes along with other child-free Indians, on what it means to plan a life without children, and the challenges along the way.
Better together
Corporate professional Madhusree Ghosh, 40, lives in Mumbai and has been married for 12 years to her college sweetheart, who did not wish to be named. Both worry about bringing a child into a world heading towards destruction. “Genocide takes place so often, the climate is degrading day by day, and there are so many other problems,” Ghosh says. “We worry that the planet will not be liveable by the time our children grow up.”
For their extended family, however, the bigger problem is that the couple is selfishly choosing their own happiness over that of a potential larger family. Ghosh recalls facing the pressure acutely some years ago. “When we had been married for five or six years, our families really wanted us to have children,” she recalls. Family gatherings were stressful. “At my brother’s wedding in 2019, extended relatives kept asking us about kids. They weren’t even close to me, they weren’t clued into my life. It was so intrusive. Another time, a neighbour whom I rarely talk to, whose name I don’t even know, leaned out of her balcony while I was walking past and asked why I’m not having kids and if there’s a problem with me!”
It gets crazier. A distant relative once told her that she was being selfish by choosing not to have children. “It was hilarious!” she recalls. “They implied that I’m being selfish toward a person that doesn’t exist! Ultimately, having children or choosing not to is a personal choice depending on one’s circumstances and life goals. It’s my choice to not bring a child into this decaying world and live life on my own terms.”
She does sometimes worry about not leaving behind a legacy. “I believe that if you take a decision, you should be confident enough to stand by it. Knowing that we may be the last branch of the family does bother me a bit right now, but I’m sure I’ll get over it.”
In Gurugram, marketing professional Meetali Kutty, 36, has been in a four-year relationship with hospitality professional Gunjan Pal, 36, and says she hasn’t felt the family pressure yet. This may be because her older brother has two children, fulfilling the extended family’s need for grandkids.
People have asked her what the point of being alive is if not to perpetuate progeny. “Many people see everything as a cut-and-dried pattern: Get married, have kids, retire, die. It’s a bit too boring for me so I don’t really get affected.” Her reasons to be child-free are simple: “For me, it’s because of the responsibility and amount of sacrifice you have to be ready for.” Having always dreamt of travelling the world, she is aware that kids make it harder. “I’m also quite pessimistic about my outlook on the world and the kind of future children will inherit.”
Her partner, Pal, meanwhile, has to field questions about his fertility, which is far more intrusive. Drawing boundaries with relatives early has helped. “I was considered the black sheep of the family and let off the hook!”
Choice cuts
Communications professional Rittika Modwel, is 37, single, and was sure, at a young age, that she didn’t want to have her own children. It stemmed from the idea of having to shoulder the immense responsibility of caring for another human being for over 18 years, and the thought of bringing another child into an overpopulated, over polluted, “toxic” world.
She even attempted, at age 30, to get a tubectomy, a medical procedure in which a woman’s egg-producing fallopian tubes are clamped, so a sperm can’t reach it. Doctors refused, she recalls, telling her to return only after marriage. The implication was clear: Her husband might think differently and override her own choice. “Before then, it never crossed my mind that, as a capable adult woman in control of my own body, I’d be denied this option!”
Fernandes, at 30, is not quite millennial, not quite Gen-Z. He says that nearly 80 percent of his peers do not have children, and believes that his generation simply faces less pressure about it. “I’ve just never felt that I needed or wanted children,” he explains. “There’s no ground-breaking reason behind it. From a young age, I’ve been aware that I can be happy without marriage and children.”
He’s also intrigued by the idea of adoption, to which he was introduced in his 20s by a girl he was dating. “She was very keen on adopting children and that interested me too. I like the idea of raising children, to be able to mould a young one. But I don’t see why the child has to be biological.”
Modwel says she would adopt children if she were to ever change her mind. “I am very, very fond of children. I’ve even taken a professional Montessori teacher’s course so I could communicate with children better.” But until then, she’s a happy pet mom to two cats and an indie dog. Kutty describes her many dogs and cats as her children too, and thoroughly enjoys spoiling her niece and nephew.
Judgement day
Couples and individuals the world over have become more vocal over the years about their decision to not have children. Many have clapped back at the stigma. Actor Jennifer Aniston has addressed press events, saying she refuses to accept the outdated notion that women are “somehow incomplete, unsuccessful, or unhappy if they’re not married with children”. Wrestler John Cena acknowledges that it’s hard work to “balance the time I need to run myself correctly. It’s hard work to be the best partner and husband I can be to my loving wife. It’s hard to keep connections with those in my life that I love. And it’s also hard to put in an honest day’s work.” There’s just no room to do right by kids.
Musician Dolly Parton, married 58 years to Carl Thomas Dean, has great-grand-nephews and –nieces, and says she hasn’t regretted not having kids of her own. Oprah Winfrey has been in a relationship with partner Steadman Graham since 1986. “If I had kids, my kids would hate me,” she said in an interview. “They would have ended up on the equivalent of the Oprah show talking about me; because something [in my life] would have had to suffer and it would’ve probably been them.”
In Mumbai, Fernandes says the microaggressions against those without a wife or kids are ever present. “Bachelors or unmarried couples have it tough when looking for places to live in Mumbai.” Modwel, who lives in Delhi and Kolkata, has been told time and time again that she will live to regret it. “It hasn’t hit yet, but who knows, maybe when I’m 50?” Ghosh has lived the longest with this decision and isn’t wavering.
Fernandes, the youngest, offers a realistic take: “I’m prepared for the possibility that it may become harder to live with this decision. I’ll take it as it comes.”
